I am finally grounded

I’ve been on this earth long enough
That I feel deeply connected to it

I see the beauty in all that is physical.
Even the part of the picture that is messy.
The rotting, the pain and the death.

I understand how brief
our time is here
and because I also understand the Eternal

I appreciate form from a larger view.

I’m grounded in my purpose
I know that no one can prevent me from living my own life
no one can prevent me from giving my own gifts

…except me.

I just felt an old fear

“But, is there room for me?”

With all the infinite possibilities and numbers of people
is there room for me?

The way I can know if there’s room for me is that
I’m here.

I’m here and there’s space around me
so there must be room for me.

I see that much of my reluctance to be grounded was from the doubt
that there was room for me in the world.

So by touching the ground lightly
Not claiming the physical
I seemed to take up less space on this earth

So now I have a footprint
What a relief!

An appropriate sized footprint

I don’t misuse resources
But I do use resources and I also create resources

I have a conscious and loving relationship with my physical world
I have a conscious and loving relationship with my body

Every day I feel the earth feeding me
and I feel myself as part of that cycle.

I also feed the earth

I give myself full permission
to enjoy this whole experience of matter

I love to play with clay and sand
to touch it, to come back to a very basic playful relationship with earth.

For those times when fear comes around I can say

“Just look at your history”

Look at the big truth and ask
“Have you ever really been without?”

When I do that I feel the calm of the word “NO”

I’ve never been without – really
Although it may have seemed that way

Ask in this moment,
“Do you have everything you really need?”

The answer is always YES.

Look at the past

Look at the present

Look to the future

Why would you be afraid there won’t be enough for you when there always has been enough, really.

(thinking of a time when the story of fear seemed real)

I can see myself in my room as a child
There’s a feeling of
loneliness, emptiness, heaviness

there’s clutter everywhere
there’s a feeling that if I disappeared
nobody would notice or care
that it would actually be easier on the whole family if I were to disappear

…and even from that place, I can also feel
my truer self.

I can feel her waiting and watching
and getting fed by the invisible world
and the world of nature
the world of stories
the miniature world.

The story that nobody would care was drama
that gave me the fantasy, the hope that someone would indeed care

part of me knew that they would notice
that was the root of the suicidal fantasies

That they would discover my broken body

“Oh no!”

And they would be in despair and guilt and torment,
“Why didn’t we notice!?”

That gave me the excuse to blame them

“It’s all their fault”

The Truth was I could have come out more.
I could have asked for more. I would have survived.
There were risks, but I could have asked.

What I understand now is that it’s time to let go of that story.
Forgive them, forgive myself and move on.

Grow up.

I can feel a part of me has been holding out for a parent to come along

and “grow me up.”

But that’s not the way it works. We grow ourselves up.

I’ve believed that by staying helpless in some ways (while appearing mature in others) eventually someone would parent me in the ways I wasn’t parented.

And I see that as I grow up
my son is free to grow up too.